The Butterfly Sings

I woke up today at 7ish and remained awake to reflect on my life in its current state. The result was a sigh. What is really going on with me? I feel so unfulfilled and seriously unhappy. I need Jesus! I went to church today to seek him and to feel his love in my heart. It helped. I will return next Sunday. There certain things going on with me that I shouldn’t mention on a blog, but God knows the situation and we are going to work it out. That is all, just a brief exhale of what I’m thinking about.

dont forget to check out my other blog www.whenisthewedding.wordpress.com

I never really thought I was the most attractive girl. I considered myself to be pretty, but mostly cute. All of my life, I have had low self-esteem when it comes to looks. And to this day I have so many insecure days. As I write this post I am battling myself because of my weight, the death of healthy hair, and the sorry excuse of a wardrobe I have. I decided to create a slideshow of pics that show me at my best, hair/makeup/clothes. For a moment the slideshow made me think, wow I can be beautiful. Once it was over however, my insecurities flared up because I know that right now I don’t look like that anymore. We are our toughest critics, so true. But at the same time, I don’t remember ever being regarded as a pretty girl. My older brother once told my cousin and I that boys would like her for her face and me for my body. My grandmother once told me, “Shira you are turning out to be a beautiful girl, I wasn’t so sure when you were little..” I remember being in a group of girls walking down the block and hearing some kind of nickname hollered out for every other girl but me “yo lightskin,”. And I have gotten this plenty of times “you are pretty for a dark skinned girl” What the hell does that mean? I have only had 2 real relationships and I dont recall many boys crushing on me back in the day. But I’m supposed to believe that I’m beautiful. I guess. Most of my childhood I was teased for my full lips. My hair is short and it seems that it will never be long. I never dressed the best, still dont, too broke. SO WHAT MAKES ME BEAUTIFUL? Of course I’m a beautiful, like on the inside, person. But I’m not talking about my generousity, my tender heart, my loving spirit, my selflessness, my compassion. I’m talking about my eyes, my nose, my lips, my smile, my cheekbones (or lack thereof) my complexion, my height, my weight, my body proportion, my hair, im talking about the outward Tashira. The problem is, and I do acknowledge this, if I don’t think I’m beautiful how do I expect you all? I have a friend, her name is Mellissa. This girl is absolutely postively one of the flyest, most beautiful, sexiest women I know. Not to mention she’s tall, slim, and a friggin model! But Mellissa often tells me that I am beautiful. But she says it in a way that makes the word beautiful seem like the highest compliment in the world. As if beautiful means heavenly or even regal. It makes me feel temporarily great on the inside. But the truth of it all, is that I dont see beautiful when I look in the mirror. I see tired, stressed, worn, aged, unhealthy, worry, I see depression. And it makes me cry, inside and out. I know alot of my close friends will read this blog and I will receive some texts, calls and  facebooks messages telling me to stop being stupid. But I guess this is my way of reaching out to you all for help. My perception of myself is WARPED. i do not see what you all see. I am ugly.

I’m a slacker, this is true. All of those resolutions that I planned, OUT THE WINDOW. Not to mention do I ever blog? NO because I’m either busy or LAZY. That’s just the truth. But I want to do better. I promise. Not only do I need to blog more often, I really need to remove the molasses out my ass on writing this novel. (that’s a reference from  The Color Purple, which will be the topic of the post).

So I just wanted to apologize and say I’m BACK!